7 Tips for Dating Again After Divorce Over 40
Midlife Dating Advice and Tips for Singles Re-Entering the Dating World after Divorcing
When you’re divorced and looking to get back out there and date again, here are 7 tips to ease you back into the dating scene and get your dating stride back up again.
I was driving north on 101 recently on a Wednesday morning to my office in Silicon Valley last June when I heard the DJs on the radio talking about some poor lady in her 40s who was recently divorced who had been on her first date on Saturday night after being divorced for two years. Her return to modern dating has been dreadful.
It had been a MISERY.
I’m thinking, “This dear lady needs some concrete help with dating after divorce tips.” I really wanted just to pull over to the side of the road and phone the radio station and give the dear thing my email and phone number. “Have her call me. I can help. Really. Please let me help her because she needs building up after an experience like that.”
Divorce is a misery to begin with. You feel rejected and dejected. It’s such a mess and a mess emotionally, most of the time. Even if you were the one who instigated the divorce. Both parties typically feel awful, at least for a time. Getting back into the modern dating scene can be daunting. Give yourself a break and take the pressure off for immediate romance. Instead, just aim to start dating again. Don’t immediately shoot for getting a boyfriend or girlfriend too rapidly. Allow yourself just to date.
And now you’re back in the dating world. Wouldn’t YOU want to know some dating after divorce tips before relaunching yourself into the meet and meat market of dating? Who wouldn’t!
Well, here goes, shall we?
Dating Again After Divorce Tip 1: GO SLOW!
Take it easy with yourself. Avoid returning back to dating starting out with big, high pressure dates. Instead, give yourself a break and return to dating at a slow pace. Try starting just some easy coffee dates with others. A lunch date, some very casual get-togethers. Normally I suggest evening dates, but these early dates are just your social active warm up to getting back out there.
Do NOT go out on a Saturday night or a Friday night date to begin with. Those are like PROM night. There is so much pressure at the beginning. You haven’t been on a date in years. You will first need to rebuild your dating skill set before venturing out on a Friday or Saturday night date. Please go slowly with yourself and build up some reventuring social skills. When you’re first returning to dating, consider just socializing with a little extra flirting. Go on what I describe as mini-dates with attractive singles you meet going about your business shopping and running errands.
Divorced Dating Tip 2: BE GENTLE WITH YOURSELF!
Give yourself time and space to ease back into this. Go simple and easy for your first several dates. Yes DO dress up nicely and look your best, just remember this is not the Opening Night Gala at the San Francisco Opera. Leave your ball gown at home this time. You don’t have to dress up to THAT extent. However, nor should you be wearing just your jeans, t-shirt and Merrells. Something in between. Dressing up and looking your best is part of the practice which you are practicing feeling comfortable doing. Don’t stint yourself. Look fabulous. Studies demonstrate you will FEEL fabulous when you do so. Dressing up for the divorced ladies and spiffing up for the divorced gentlemen, and you’ll start to emanate your charm, charisma, and personal magnetism. Feeling you’re looking great immediately activates attracting from your essence and drawing other quality singles to you.
Tips for Divorced Singles 3: DO DATE LOTS!
OK, when you fall off of a horse, what do they recommend you do? Get right back on. Same thing with dating. When you are looking to learn a new skill, what is one of the most effective learning methodologies? Repetition of fundamentals. Do you just throw the ball one time and think you are now good at football? Or do you throw, and throw, and throw, and throw, and THROW! Yes. Precisely. You PRACTICE. Same principle in dating. Go on a LOT of first dates when you first get back in the game. You are simply looking to meet some lovely people and to practice feeling comfortable confident and poised meeting and making small talk with strangers.
Dating Tip for the Recently Divorced 4: KEEP IT BRIEF!
As part of your taking it easy on yourself when you first starting dating again, do keep those first handful of date on the short side. Even if you hit it off really well and have amazing chemistry, keep you first handful of new dates short. Give yourself time to take it slowly and acquainted with your new dates at a comfortable pace over time. Get back in touch with your conversational social skills and do a little warming up and stretching of your flirting muscles.
Early dates when you are relaunching yourself socially are like what used to be referred to as “Date 0” for folks who are meeting from Online Dating for the first time. So with those early relaunch dates? Keep them to about 60-90 minutes. Drinks. Appetizers. Coffee. And if it MUST be coffee, just be sure to select a really FABULOUS ambiance like The Four Seasons or Trump Tower. LOVELY.
Dating Advice for Returning to Dating After Divorce 5: SIZE MATTERS!
Early on in your dating relaunch mode, you need to aim for QUANTITY of DATES over QUALITY of DATES. You need to go on about 20 dates just to get back in the swing of things with the current Dating World and practice your social poise and presentation. Even if you know you want to marry again, make a point just to meet a number of people and go on a lot of First Dates and a handful of Second and Third Dates before you allow yourself to go off market and become exclusive with anyone. Before you actively seek a boyfriend or girlfriend, go on a lot of First Dates. Practice. Flirt, and get comfortable with dating and how to become better acquainted with other people and get to know them. You likely will discover that you want a different kind of relationship now than you did before when you married. Divorced people often attest to learning they seek a different kind of mate now than when they were younger getting married for the first time.
If your date asks you, “What are you looking for?” you might respond with something like, “I enjoy meeting new people and getting to know them. I want to be in a relationship again, but it’s too early for me to decide quite yet. I’m looking to meet new people and see where it goes.” Additionally, you do want to keep your many initial dates short. 1-2 hours. This way you refrain from inadvertently treating your date as a Divorce therapist.
Advice for Dating Again Early After Divorcing 6: AVOID DATE NIGHT!
When you are just starting out dating again, on your first 3-5 dates, do avoid the TRADITIONAL DATE NIGHTS of Saturday and Friday nights. Really, this is to protect yourself and simply to get used to dating again in a low pressure situation. Date Night can take on so much more pressure and significance. Women, in particular, can read and misread potential relationship significance to being asked out on and, indeed, going on a Saturday Night date as adults. All too often, singles can read a Saturday Night date as tantamount to immediately signifying Serious Intent. Both men and women can also feel a huge pressure of being scrutinized not only by your date but also the crowd at the restaurant.
Do note, this dating tip is just to begin with. Give yourself a break and take the social expectation pressure off of yourself as you return to dating. Instead, go out on a Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday or Sunday night date. While a Brunch or Lunch date can be fun, for most age groups, I do recommend evening dates for other Body Language and Flirting reasons for a FIRST DATE to create and foster a romantic and flirtatious ambiance. Flirtation is part of your practice regime. So, remember, evening dates for early dates.
Must Important Advice for Singles Returning to Dating After Divorce 7: GO!
Yes, you MUST relaunch yourself. Indeed, give yourself some time to grieve and heal after your divorce, but I would recommend that within 12-24 months after a divorce, BY THEN, you need to venture back out into the Dating World and GO ON DATES. I have coaching clients who waited longer than that. For whatever life reasons, often personal reasons related to career, child rearing, caring for parents, it might be longer than 24 months. Some clients come to me and ask for help getting back into dating after their divorce which ended 5 years or so ago. However long it’s been for you, please allow me to encourage you to renew and have hope again to find love now.
If you’re divorced or just out of a breakup, be sure to snag my gift Dating Again After Divorce for Women ebook https://aprilbraswell.com/product-options/books/divorce-women-ebook/.
I hope it blesses you.
If I can be of assistance in your doing so, I would be honored. It’s part of my life purpose mission to help people to create true intimacy in their relationships. As we do so, we actually create a world safer for children, small animals, and all of us.
Happy Dating and Relationships,
I hope you found this article helpful in your quest for love. If, indeed, you found it relevant and helpful in some way, I would greatly appreciate it if you would please SHARE this to your favorite 1 or 2 Social Networking sites where you share and discuss the modern quest to find and sustain LOVE. Thank you and God speed.
April Braswell has been DatingAdvice.com‘s Midlife Dating expert since 2012. She coaches Midlife relationship-minded men and women to find and attract lasting love. She takes a proactive and heart-centered approach with her clients to look for love Online with her Irresistibly Attractive Profile Writing Service and in Real Life Dating Coaching.